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Cleanest (Referee) jokes for publication on this page.
To submit 'Referee Jokes' click on the +- Webmaster -+ Link on the bottom of this page!!!
And Now Have a Laugh on us...
~ Funny Referees and some interesting Footballers ~
This Video from the... Ken Aston Referee Society -
 Channel
Collective nouns for Referees:
Managers: An egocentricity of
Referees
Fans: An inconsistency of Referees
Players: A frustration of Referees
Referees: An impartiality of
Referees
“Man who can make eleven bosom friends and eleven sworn enemies with
single word, he be football referee”
Old Chinese proverb
A seven-year-old boy from London was at the center of a courtroom drama
when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of
the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently
a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England
Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.
Rick Burke ~ Advanced Coach/Advanced Referee/USSF 8
A man was in bed with his mistress one afternoon and drifted off to
sleep, not to awaken until 8pm.
In a panic he throws his clothes on and says to his mistress "Quick!
Take these shoes outside and get grass and dirt all over them!", which
she does. He puts his shoes on and goes home to his furious wife, who
asks him where he has been. He says "I spent the afternoon in bed with
my mistress." To which his wife responds "You liar!
Look at those shoes! You were out refereeing again, weren't you!"
Neil Montgomery
My daughter did tell me about a player in the Santa Barbara men's league
that she overheard telling a teammate that he always kept his soccer bag
in his car.
"This is my fourth game this week, so I told my wife that I had to go to
work today."
Patrick Duffy
The referee was careful to have an eye test every two years..
When he had given in his details and was sitting in the chair awaiting
his tests, the optometrist turned towards him and said: “Excuse me sir,
are you by any chance a referee? The referee admitted he was.
Optometrist: “Didn’t you take the last ManU home game?” The referee
agreed that he had.
Without another word, the optometrist quickly took the referee through
the various tests...
Optometrist: “Well, sir, you have no eye problems and really excellent
vision.”
The referee smiled with satisfaction
Optometrist: “So how then do you explain your decisions at Old Trafford
last Saturday?”
The attacking no 8 was barely touched in the penalty box but
dramatically flew head-over-heals. The referee whistled and strode
purposefully towards the prostrate player already loudly claiming a
penalty.
“Now number 8, what do you call that?”
Opposition goalkeeper, helpfully: “Double back somersault with pike?”
What do you call a referee who goes into the club bar after a
controversial game? A nutter.
And a shaggy dog story . . .
As the referee called the captains over before the start of the game, he
noticed a large red setter dog in full kit with one of the teams.
“That somebody’s mascot?” he enquired with a smile.
“No ref, he’s playing for us,” said the Red’s captain.
Suspecting some kind of joke, the referee looked more closely and saw
that the dog was indeed not only in full kit, but even had specially
made shinguards. And there were certainly only ten other players
“He’s on the team sheet” the captain went on helpfully, and the referee
remembered he had noticed the unusual first name ‘Ared Setter’
“It’s all right, ref, they don’t ask you whether you’re a dog when you
register.”
By now the referee is really concerned. He’s sure there’s something
funny going on but he can’t think of any reason in the Laws or the
Competition Rules that he could quote to stop the dog playing.
“Right lads, off we go then.”
For about ten minutes the ball doesn’t go near the dog playing in
midfield. Then a clearance out of the opposition’s defence is going to
drop near him. With a spectacular leap the dog heads the ball down and
controls it with his back legs under his body. With an astonishing turn
of speed and a fantastic body swerve the dog evades all the attempted
tackles as he makes the 60 yards into the opposition’s penalty area.
Then he lets fly a thunderous shot, right into the top corner of the
net.
Whistle goes but when the dog turns with his shirt half off in
celebration, he sees the referee pointing to the ground near his feet.
“Defence free kick”.
“No way”, protested the dog. “That was a bloody good goal.”
“Sorry mate,” said the referee with the hint of a satisfied smile. “You
kicked it with one of your front paws. Had to be handball!”
“Why is a football referee like an inveterate poker player?”
“I don’t know. Why is a football referee like an inveterate poker
player?”
“Because they’re both too fond of cards.”
1st fan: “I really can’t stand referees.”
2nd fan: “Any particular reason?”
1st fan: “They get all the free kicks for us right, and all the free
kicks against us wrong. Why can’t they be more bloody consistent?”
The referee went to his doctor with real earache, not the sort
habitually given to him by the players and fans. When the doctor heard
the problem described, he took out his otoscope and inserted the end
into his patient’s ear. After only a moment, he withdrew the instrument
and said:
“Excuse me, sir, are you by any chance a referee?”
“As it happens I am,” the patient replied. “Why do you ask?”
“I thought you must be. It’s just that I can see right through to the
other side.”
The two referee trainers were exchanging notes on their groups of
trainees.
"I've got a right clever one. Always ready to show how up-to-date he is
on the Laws."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, at last Sunday's practical training, for example, he asked me
about getting the wall back. I explained that for a ceremonial free
kick, I stood over the ball, shouted 'Give me ten' and then went and
controlled the wall.
He was having his turn in the middle and had to award a free kick. And
what did I hear? 'Right lads. Give me NINE POINT ONE FIVE'"
The goalkeeper was not the brightest and was having a torrid time. He
let a soft goal in through his legs and was soundly berated by his
fellow strugglers. Minutes later when a forward broke through and scored
an easy goal, he went ballistic, yelling 'Offside!' at the top of his
voice. There was no flag and when the referee paid no attention to him
and turned for the centre circle, he couldn't contain a stream of
obscenities. The official wheeled round and indicated the need for an
urgent meeting. He asked the keeper his name. "What for ref?" protested
the keeper.
"I'm sending you off for using offensive language."
"You can't do that ref 'cos you didn't see me. An' in any case I
disguised my voice . . ."
“I just don't understand it,” the referee complained to his assessor.
“One match I do very well, then the next match I'm terrible. And that’s
what you saw today.”
“Well,” said the assessor helpfully, “maybe you should just do every
other game”.
One of Gary Linekar’s sons was doing his homework. “Dad, what’s a
masochist?”
Gary: “Someone who gets pleasure from suffering pain”.
Son: “That’s no good Dad. It has to be only one word.”
Gary: “Referee?”
The Blues no 8 was taken from behind by the Reds no 6. The referee blew
instantly but, before he could intervene, the furious no 8 had taken a
swing at his aggressor.
The referee had no hesitation, showed him the red card and sent him off,
before turning to the foul tackler to show him the yellow card. The no 6
started to protest but was silenced by the referee - who suddenly fell
to the ground, out cold.
When the referee came round and had been helped to his feet, he tried to
recall what had happened. He caught sight of the no 6 and said: “I
remember. I’d cautioned you and you tried to protest. What was that all
about?”
"I was just trying to tell you that the no.8 hadn't gone off and was
about to flatten you!"
The referee instructor had carefully explained to his trainees the
importance of using the whistle properly.
After a practical training session he took one of his charges to one
side and quietly but firmly reminded him about the need to blow the
whistle properly – it needed to talk.
"Well, I tried" protested the trainee. “But it's no use just telling me
- you ought to tell the bloody whistle."
The referee had gone to see his doctor because he was getting breathless
towards the end of games. The doctor examined him thoroughly and
pronounced: “You’re generally fit but, to put it simply, you’re too
fat”.
“What do you mean, ‘I’m too fat’. I’d like to have a second opinion”.
“OK. You’re a lousy referee as well.
It was a local derby and the two managers visited the referee in his
changing room to deliver their team sheets and get any final
instructions. The referee was satisfied and said: “Well, I think that’s
everything then”.
“Not quite”, said one of the managers,” Could we have the name and
address of your next-of-kin”.
The referee was surprised to be asked by the local zoo to take charge of
a match between a team of mammals and a team of insects. By half-time
the mammals were leading comfortably 27-0.
However, at half-time the insects made a substitution and brought on a
centipede. By the end he had scored no fewer than 83 goals and the
insects won a famous victory.
As they left the field, the referee, overcome by curiosity, approached
the insect captain. "That centipede of yours was brilliant. But why
didn't you play him from the start?"
"We'd have liked to," was the reply "but it takes him the first 45
minutes to get his boots on."
Referee: “Number 7. I'm going to send you off.”
Player: “What for ref?”
Referee: “For the rest of the match of course!”
It was a local league match and the referee called the captains together
for the start of the game. They shook hands but, when he felt in his
pocket for his coin, the referee realised he had left it in the changing
room. Thinking quickly he produced his whistle, showed it to the two
captains, put his hands behind his back and then extended two fists
towards them. “Your call Blues”
“Heads”
The football fan walks into a souvenir shop in Hamelin, home of the
legendary Pied Piper, while on holiday in Germany, and his eye is caught
by an ornamental brass rat. He thinks "That'll be perfect for my
mother-in-law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"€20 for the rat and €200 for the story", replies the shopkeeper. ”No
story”, says the tourist, and just hands over the €20 note.
As he is walking away from the shop, he realises a live rat has appeared
and is following him at a discreet distance. Then another, and another,
and soon there is a squeaking procession behind him. He’s terrified but
fortunately he’s arrived at a bridge over the famous River Weser.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he throws the brass rat into the waters
below. To his astonishment all the other rats leap into the water like
lemmings.
The man quickly turns and makes his way back to the shop.
“I thought you’d be back”, the shopkeeper says knowingly. “I suppose you
want to invest €200 in the story now”.
“No way” says the man. “I just wondered if you had any brass referees .
. . .”
The GP rang his consultant psychiatrist friend with an urgent request..
“Hello James. I would like you to see a patient of mine as soon as
possible.”
“Right, John. Who is it?”
“He’s a well-known football referee.”
“Ah, ah. Has he any other suicidal tendencies?”
One day, while the seven dwarfs were deep in the mine, there was a rock
fall. When they didn’t arrive home at the usual time, Snow White went to
see what was wrong. She called anxiously down the mine and was greeted
by a faint response. “I want to be a referee; I want to be a referee”.
Snow White smiled in relief: “Well at least Dopey’s still alive”.
Sir Alex Ferguson had gone for a picnic with David Beckham and
Premiership referee. David Elleray
They spread the groundsheet on the bank of a river across from a country
pub..
“I’ll get the first round” said Beckham, walked straight across the
river and returned the same way, carrying the tray of brimming glasses.
Sir Alex was astonished but said nothing.
They were nicely into the sandwiches when David Elleray announced “The
next one’s on me” picked up the tray, walked across the river and
returned with the drinks. Sir Alex could hardly contain himself but
still kept silent.
At the end of the meal, with the glasses once more empty, Sir Alex stood
and said “Right lads, my shout.” With a look of panic, Beckham turned to
David Elleray and said in an urgent whisper “Shouldn’t we tell him about
the concealed stepping stones?”
“What stepping stones?”
My reasons for becoming a referee
I love football but never could understand it.
I am visually challenged and uncertain of my parentage.
I love to run around a football field, not allowed to kick the ball, in
the cold, wind and rain.
I love to be abused and physically threatened.
I have the knack of always being able to make the wrong decision.
The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived.
They had no tickets but explained to the doorman that they were friends
of the referee.
He refused to let them in: “No referee I’ve ever known has three
friends”.
The player had been summoned to the referee after a horrendous foul. As
the referee took out his book for the third time that afternoon, the
player could be seen mouthing a response.
First commentator: "It looks as if he's telling the referee where to put
the card."
Second commentator: That won't do him any good. There are two cards up
there already."
“What’s the difference between a referee and a battery?
"The battery has a positive side".
At the end of the day, refereeing means you don’t have to spend your
Saturdays at Sainsbury’s.
A referee was visiting friends in the US. They suggested a trip to a
nearby native American – Red Indian – Reservation, especially to meet
the very famous medicine man who had a side-line as a Sports Memory Man.
The referee and his friends were introduced to a small weather-beaten
old Indian in traditional dress squatting at the back of the wigwam.
After exchanging introductions and pleasantries, the medicine man
confirmed that he would answer questions on ‘soccer’ and refereeing. “No
problem” he said. “What is first question?”
“Can you tell us who the English referee was who blew his whistle in the
World Cup as the ball was about to enter the net, and so prevented the
winning goal?”
“He called Clive Thomas. He not English referee, he Welsh referee. World
Cup 1978 – Brazil v. Sweden. Final score 1-1.”
The referee was astonished as well as embarrassed and muttered his
thanks and an apology for getting Clive’s nationality wrong.
“Second question?”
“Who was the English referee officiating at national level in South
America 1947-48 and called the ‘mighty atom’ by the Mexican press?”
“He one of your friends – member of Reading RA - Lionel Gibbs. One more
question?”
The referee was so amazed he could hardly phrase his final clincher
question.
“Who invented red and yellow cards?”
“Ken Aston, also English referee. Famous for trying to control ‘Battle
of Santiago’, Chile v. Italy, World Cup 1962.”
The stunned visitors thanked the medicine man profusely and made a
handsome donation to the Reservation Benevolent Fund.
Some 20 years later, the referee was again visiting his American friends
and they agreed on another visit to the Reservation to see if the
medicine man was still doing the business.
They were assured he was and were taken to his wigwam. As the referee
went in he raised his hand in Indian salute and said: “How.”
“He got idea on way home from match. See traffic lights changing, green,
yellow, red”.
The attractive young woman was sitting on a tall stool at the bar. She
was quickly spotted by the resident young Casanova who decided to make a
move. He took up his position on the stool next to hers and started his
usual chat-up line. She turned and spoke briefly to him. Quick as a
flash he was scrambling off the stool back towards his mates.
“Excuse me, madam,” said the barman. “ Are you by any chance a football
referee?”
“Yes, as it happens, I am. However did you guess?”
Well, it was just the way you looked at him and said: “Any more and
you’re off!” And he was.
What is football?
A game played with an inflated ball, twenty two players, two linesmen
and several thousand referees.
Anon
Wife: "Refereeing, Football, Refereeing, Football. You never think of
anything else. If you said one weekend you were going to stay at home
and help me in the house, I'd drop dead from shock."
Referee husband: "Now you're trying to tempt me."
"Why should referees be kept 300ft under ground?"
"I don't know. Why should referees be kept 300ft under ground?"
"Because deep down they are very nice people."
The referee had accidentally collided with a player, fallen and injured
his knee.
On his way back from the doctor's surgery after the match, he met one of
the players from the game.
"You all right ref? You don't look so good. Bad news from the doc?"
"Yes it is. He says I can't referee."
"Oh. Seen you in action has he . . .?"
The referee was tired of looking after his pet parrot and decided to
sell it.
Some weeks later, the chap he sold it too came up to him in the street.
The referee asked him how the parrot was getting on.
“Fine. By the way. Are you by any chance a brag player or a referee?”
“As it happens I’m a referee, but what made you ask?”
“Well, the bird keeps repeating: Only three cards today. Only three
cards today . . . .”
The referee and his wife were attending the primary school parents'
evening.
Just as they were leaving their interview with the class teacher, she
turned at the husband and said:
"Excuse me. Are you by any chance a football referee?"
"As it happens I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, I have taught my class the tongue twister 'Red leather, yellow
leather' and your son is the only one who can't remember it. He always
says: 'Red card, yellow card, red card, yellow card . . '"
"I would also think the action replay showed it to be worse than it
actually was."
Anonymous pundit.
Arsčne Wenger was having trouble sleeping. He went to the doctor who
sent him on to a consultant psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asked Arsčne to describe the problem briefly.
"I get to sleep quickly enough but I wake up in the middle of the night
in a cold sweat thinking I am a referee".
"Aha," purred the psychiatrist knowingly.
"Oh no, that's not the problem," Arsčne added quickly. "I suddenly
realise that one of the teams is Arsenal".
The referee was in hospital recovering from a serious bout of pneumonia.
As one of his nurses was collecting his breakfast tray, she said
confidentially
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you by any chance a referee?"
"As it happens I am, But why do you ask?"
"Well, it's just that when you were delirious, you kept muttering I know
both my parents . . . I know both my parents . . . ."
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall - and the ref showed him the yellow card.
Monday morning the Premiership referee goes to his building society to
make a deposit. As he goes up the last step, he trips, falls full-length
and knocks himself out cold.
When he comes round, his first words to the paramedic bending over him
are: "Where am I?".
"You're in the Nationwide." replies the paramedic helpfully
"Oh no", says the astonished referee. "I didn't think I was that bad on
Saturday."
There is no truth in the rumour that the renowned Italian referee
Pierluigi Collina has his hair cut short because he has eyes in the back
of his head and can't stand having his vision obstructed.
Father and son were watching a football match.
"Dad. Why do you keep calling the referee a 'Potter'? Is it because he's
a wizard like Harry?"
"No way. It's because he's a real Pansy."
It was the Annual Charity match between a team made up of doctors and
one chosen from the rest of the hospital staff.
When one of the doctor defenders bundled over an opponent in the box,
the (neutral) referee had no hesitation in indicating the penalty.
"Hold on ref", shouted a defender colleague, "you must be bloody blind".
The experienced official, hoping to keep things low-key as it was a
charity match, kept his card in his pocket and retorted::
"When I want your opinion no 3, I'll ask for it"
"And I'll charge you 50 quid", was the instant reply from the ophthalmic
consultant.
Near the end of a tense cup-tie with the score at 1-1, one of the
players flagrantly held an opponent back when he was about to shoot for
goal. The victim was about to pole-axe his assailant when the referee
skilfully intervened.
"Now you know you'll be off if you retaliate, no. 7."
"Aw, come on ref. He retaliated first."
Stranger than fiction . . .
The 1878 Cup Final between Wanderers and Royal Engineers was refereed by
a Mr S.R. Bastard.
The referee arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by the angel in
charge.
"Welcome, my son. Before you can enter Heaven I need to ask whether
there is anything you would want to confess."
"Well," said the referee in some embarrassment, "I suppose I should
admit one thing. In an international I was refereeing between Scotland
and Wales, I gave a penalty for Wales that won them the game. I saw the
replay afterwards and I don't think the Scottish defender ever touched
the ball with his hand. It's been on my conscience ever since."
"You don't need to worry my son. You certainly made the correct
decision."
"Oh thank you St Peter," said the referee. "That's a real load off my
mind."
"By the way," said the angel, "It's St Peter's day off. I'm St David."
The motorist was flagged down by the police car. As the policeman
arrived at the window, notebook in hand, he said politely:
"Excuse me, sir, do you know you were doing over 40 in a built-op area?
Are you by any chance a referee?
"As it happens, officer, I am. Why do you ask?"
"Well, it's just that there are two coachloads of rioting football fans
right behind you!"
It was like the referee had a new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.
Richard Rufus
The young shop assistant asked his boss whether he could have Saturday
afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. The boss, a keen football
fan, was suspicious because there was a local derby cup-tie on the
Saturday. He decided to trust the lad and gave his permission.
As the boss was going to his seat at the game, he passed his employee on
the steps.
"I thought you told me you wanted the afternoon off to go to your
uncle's funeral."
"It was true sir. He's the referee . . ."
The innovative Cybernetics and Robotics Department of the famous
university came up with the brilliant idea of a football referee robot.
They were convinced that the technology was now ready for the big
break-through.
However, development costs would be high, so the university
powers-that-be needed reassurance that the product would sell. The
Marketing Department of the Business School was commissioned to carry
out an in-depth survey of football administrators, club management,
coaches, players, fans and, of course, the media.
The plans were quietly shelved when the unanimous response was that
referees who made no mistakes would "destroy the enjoyment of the game".
His friend asked the trainee referee how he was getting on.
Trainee: "It's going pretty well but I'll have to change my whistle"
Friend: "Change your whistle? Whatever for?"
Trainee: "Well, the instructor keeps telling us to make the whistle talk
- and I can't get a single word out of mine."
At the primary school sports, parents were encouraged to take part in
the special 50 yd dash. The referee was pressed by his wife into
entering 'for the sake of the children'.
As he walked away afterwards, he was approached by the head teacher.
"Excuse me, sir. Are you by any chance a football referee?"
"As it happens I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, you were the only parent who ran the whole race backwards with
his arm up in the air."
Have you heard about the new law they've just passed? Referees have to
be buried 10 feet down!
Why's that?
Because deep down they are nice people!
Heavy rain
A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North
of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground
resembled a swamp.
However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to
determine ends.
The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said,
'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'
A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter
asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he
was Refereeing a game between Arsenal and Spurs at Highbury. With just a
few minutes to go, and with Arsenal 1-0 up, he gave a penalty to Spurs
in front of the North End. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'.
St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'. The Referee looked down at his
watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.
(Thanks Dave for the joke)
The shrill blast of the whistle and the pointing finger of the referee
stopped the player in his tracks.
The Referee beckoned him over and produced notebook, pencil and yellow
card.
'It's a yellow card for you,' said the referee, waving the card at the
footballer.
'You know what you can do with your yellow card!' shouted the player.
'You're too late, mate,' replied the referee. ‘There are three red cards
there already!'
Q. What do you call an Englishman in the finals of the world cup?
A. The Referee
Q. What do you call a Scotsman going to the World Cup?
A. Hugh Dallas!
A Referee goes into a sports shop in Bath to buy some kit, he says to
the sales manager "Do you have any Referee kit?"
The manager says "No, we don't stock Referees' Kit".
Mmmmm says the Referee, "Can I have a wasp instead please?"
"A wasp?, what are you talking about a wasp you idiot, this is a sports
shop". replies the manager.
"Yeah, but you had one in the window yesterday!"
A Referee walked into a really rough football club pub the other day
after a game, the bouncer on the door asked him if he had any weapons,
when he said no he gave the Referee a large hunting knife and told him
to be careful.
A Referee and his Assistant are walking down the street. The Referee
says "Oh, look at that poor dead bird!" The Assistant looks up into the
sky and says "Where?"
A Referee walks into the football club bar after a game and asks the
barman, "I'll have a pint of lager please" .The barman goes to pull his
pint but the barrel is empty, "I'm just going to change the barrel mate,
I'll be back in a mo". So while he's waiting the Referee hears a strange
voice, "Like your hair mate", the Referee turns round but their ain't
anyone there so he just ignores it. Again he hears another voice "Core
nice suit mate", again there's no one there. This time he's getting
worried when he hears another voice,” Lovely tie mate", now the Referee
is really worried. The barman returns, "You alright Ref.? he asks", "No,
I keep hearing these strange voices".
The barman replies "Oh don't worry they are just the complementary
peanuts".
When a top English Premier Referee was making the rounds of the
speaker's circuit by visiting all the Referee Associations, he usually
found himself eagerly longing to get back to his gardening. One night as
they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, the English
Premier Referee mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled
the English Premier Referee in looks & manner) that he was tired of
speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." The English
Premier Referee laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When
they arrive at the dinner, the English Premier Referee donned the
chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The
chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of the English Premier Referee
speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous Referee from the audience asked an extremely
esoteric question about a complex off-side question, digressing here and
there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the English Premier Referee
with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer
it for me."
After dying in a car crash, three Referees go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket,
and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to
hear them say about you?" The first Assistant Referee immediately
responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great
Assistant Referees of my time, and a great family man."
The second Assistant Referee says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and teacher of the Laws of the game who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy (the Referee)
thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them
say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A Referee buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20
uses". A day later, the Referee calls the laundry detergent company and
says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does
is my laundry!
During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the
grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging
precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling
outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were Referees, one was a football
player. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If
that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks
to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no
one volunteered. Finally the player gave a truly touching speech saying
he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. All ten
Referees applauded.........
A lady was in her front yard mowing grass when her Referee neighbor came
out of his house and went straight to his mailbox. He opened it, then
slammed it shut, and stormed back in his house. A little later, he came
out of his house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it
shut again. Angered, he again stormed back in his house.
As the lady was getting ready to edge the lawn, the Referee neighbor
came out yet again. He marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then
slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the lady
asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
A young ventriloquist is touring the football clubs and stops to
entertain at a local football club bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid Referee jokes, when a large,
Referee in the fourth row stands on his chair and says, "I've heard just
about enough of your denigrating Referee jokes! What makes you think you
can stereotype Referees that way? What does a person's physical
attributes have to do with their worth as a competent Referee?" The
ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep Referees like me from being respected at
work and by the fans," he continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Referees but
Assistant Referees at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The Referee
interjects,
"You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little 'blighter' on
your knee!"
After a grueling game, a gorgeous blonde Referee walks into the
physiotherapist's office. She gets in the room with the
physiotherapist's and says, "Hey! I hurt all over." The
physiotherapist's is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you
hurt all over?" The gorgeous blonde Referee says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she
touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her
hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the physiotherapist's sits back
and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your
natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The physiotherapist's says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
(Sorry girls - no offence!)
An up-and-coming Referee was asked to attend an interview to see if he
was suitable for promotion to the English Premier League middle.
Reaching the end of the interview, the Chairman of the Interview panel
asked the young Referee, "And what fees were you looking for?" The young
Referee said, "In the neighborhood of 2,000 pounds sterling a game
depending on the benefits package." The Chairman said, "Well, what would
you say to a package of 5-weeks fully paid vacation on a Pacific Island,
full time body guard, full medical and dental help, matching retirement
fund to 50% of your current job salary, free entry into any ground, and
a car leased every 2 years - say, a red Ferrari?" The young Referee sat
up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the Chairman replied,
"Yeah, but you started it."
A senior lady football player who had been sent-off , decided to appeal
against her punishment. At the disciplinary appeal, one of the three
disciplinary appeal judges approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you
know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Tompkins. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot in the Football world, when you haven't the brains to realize
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Of
course I know you." The appeal judge was stunned. Not knowing what else
to do he pointed across the table to the other appeal judge, and asked,
"Mrs. Smith, do you know my colleague?" She again replied, "Why, yes I
do. I've known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. I used to
baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his Sports Shop
is one of the shoddiest in the entire country. Yes, I know him." At this
point, the Chairman of the disciplinary appeal panel rapped the room to
silence and called the two disciplinary appeal judges towards him. In a
very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she
knows me, you'll never be asked to sit another appeal board again, and
you’ll both be out that door within 5 seconds!"
As two Assistant Referees were making their way to the field of play
which was 100 yards away from the changing rooms, one of the Assistant
Referees looking up at the rain pouring down on them said, "Jim, look
up. What do you see?"
Jim replied: "Well, I see more big black rain clouds coming our way."
"And what does that mean to you Jim?" "Well, I guess it means we are
going to have a difficult game today. What does it mean to you, Fred?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen my umbrella."
A good-looking Lady Referee and a Male Referee returning from their
respective games have a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are
totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they
crawl out of their cars, the Lady Referee says, "So you're a Referee,
that’s interesting - I'm a Lady Referee.... Wow! Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends forever, officiate
games together, and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The
Male Referee replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign
from God!" The Lady Referee continued, "And look at this - here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Malt
Whiskey didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this to celebrate our
good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the Male Referee. He nods
his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the
bottle, then hands it back . The Lady Referee takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Male Referee.
He immediately asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Lady Referee replies,
"No. I think I will just wait for the police to arrive..."
A Referee had a near death experience the other day when he went
cycling, in an effort to get fit. Everything was going fine until the
cycle started running away down hill and bouncing out of control. He
tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. With his foot
caught in a pedal, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued
to bounce on the ground as he and the bicycle did not stop or even slow
down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Sports
Center manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.
Two Assistant Referees were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door
of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the
door open, but they couldn't. The Assistant Referee with the coat hanger
stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and his friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A Referee told his doctor that he wasn't able to do run around the
field, or tidy
the house like he used to do. When the examination was complete, he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the Referee. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
Assistant Referees and my wife."
A Referee was asked to officiate a game in Spain. When he arrived, he
stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a
scrumptious looking dish pass by. It looked and smelled wonderful! He
inquired to the waiter what it was.
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senior, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A local exquisite delicacy!"
The Referee, though momentarily daunted when he learned of the origin of
the dish, thought: "What the hell, I'm in Spain, do as the Spanish do,"
and then requested an order. The waiter regretfully informed the
Referee, that there was only one order per day as there was only one
bullfight each morning. The waiter related further, that if the Referee
returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to
have an opportunity to try the rare dish.
The next morning after the game, the Referee returned, and much to his
delight, was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few
bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones
on the plate the previous day. At this, the waiter shrugged and replied,
" Si, Senior. Sometimes the Bull wins."
The Plane Crash...
A Boeing jet, carrying a contingent of Referees returning from an
overseas Football tournament, flying at 35,000 feet over the Atlantic,
runs into a terrible storm. Thunder, lightning, and high winds toss the
big plane around the sky.
The passengers are scared. One woman Referee in particular is about to
lose it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane shouting,
"I'm too young to die." Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I
want my last minutes on earth to be memorable.
In my entire life, no one has ever made me really feel like a woman".
Well, I've had it! "Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN???!!!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a male Referee stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well-built, with
jet-black hair and the bluest eyes, he slowly starts to walk up the
aisle, unbuttoning his Referee shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches.
He removes his Referee shirt, muscles ripple across his chest, and he
extends the shirt to the trembling woman.
"Here," he whispers. "Iron this."
Management Ladder
When "Blue Collar" workers get together, they talk about football and
Refereeing.
When "Middle Management" get together, they talk about tennis.
When "Top Management" get together, they talk about golf.
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.
A Monkey Can Do It
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing
around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in
and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The
shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes
out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer,
saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his
monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says,
"That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred
dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that
monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth
the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He
says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What
does it do?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can
manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the
really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and
sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck
says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?" "Well," says the
shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything, but says it's a Referee."
A young Referee was leaving the Referees’ Association (RA) office late
one evening when he found the (RA) Chief Executive standing in front of
a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Chief,
"this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary
has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said
the young Referee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and
pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Chief as his
paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
A football player is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is
lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below on the ground. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where
I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field." "You must be a Referee" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist,
"Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use
to me whatsoever." The man below reflects for a moment, and then says:
"You must be a football player." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how
did you know?" "Well", says the Referee, "You don't know where you are,
or where you're going, or what you’re doing, but you expect me to be
able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but
now it's MY fault."
A young Referee named Tonks applied for a position at a Sports Shop
based in London. An ex-road sweeper also applied for the same job and
both applicants having the same qualifications (none) were asked to take
a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Tonks and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the road sweeper the job."
Tonks: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions
correct. This being a Sports Shop and me being a Referee I should get
the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed."
Tonks: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?"
Manager: "Simple. The road sweeper put down on question # 5, 'I don't
know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
An Assistant Referee turns up for a game with both his ears bandaged up.
"What happened to your ears?" asks the Referee. The Assistant Referee
replies: "Yesterday I was ironing my Referee’s top when the phone rang.
I accidentally answered the iron."
"That explains one ear, but what happened to the other one?" continues
the Referee.
"Well, I had to call the doctor!" says the Assistant Referee.
A young Referee had just started his own firm to provide Referee kit.
He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with the most
expensive office equipment that money could buy. Sitting there, he saw a
man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the Referee
picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big order for
Referee kit to process. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
A Referee arrives at his game and sees one of his Assistant Referees
sitting in the changing room, totally depressed and stressed out. He
gives him the advice: "I went straight home after every game for two
months and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it
really helped to relieve the stress of Refereeing. You should try it
too!". Four months later when they meet up again at another match, the
Referee sees the same Assistant Referee in the changing room, happy and
full of energy, and raring to go. "I see you followed my advice? " says
the Referee to the Assistant Referee.
"I did", answers the Assistant Referee, "It was great! By the way, I
didn't know you had such a nice house!".
A football player dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're a football player -- you're in the
wrong place."
So, the football player reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the football player gets dissatisfied with the lack of
football fields in hell, and starts building and marking out numerous
fields of play. After a while, they've got Cup competitions, FIFA
standard grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and the football
player is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got Cup Competitions,
FIFA standard football grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and
there's no telling what this football player is going to come up with
next."
God replies, "What??? You've got a football player? That's a mistake --
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having a football player on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll Red Card you."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a Referee?"
Refereeing or Wife?
The Referee's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Saturday
afternoon with me instead of Refereeing I swear I would drop dead," she
screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.
Special Refereeing Books. If you can find them!
"A Goal Scored" by Shelly Brate !
"Anticipation" by Crystal Ball
"Appurtenances" by Annett, Ann A. Powst
"Assistant Referee" by Lynus Mann
"Bad Game" Gladys O. Vernow
"Black Eyed Players" by Lee Dinglebow
"Bleeding Players" by Ian Drury (wasn’t he a pop star?)
"Bursting Ball" by Dee Flated
"Can’t See" by Dustin Mye
"Cheating" by Sir Cumvent
"Damaged Thin Crossbar" by Finbar Broke
"Decision Making" by Joyce U. Make
"Enterprising! Starting Point" by Senator Spock
"Falling Player" Eileen Dover
"Friend of Foe" by Archie N.E. May
"Good Shooting" by Eamon Target
"Half-Time Practice" by Mustafa Pee
"High Balls" by Jock Strapp
"Hose Down" by Paul Emup
"Keeping it Shut" by Phil McAvity
"Law 1" by Phil de Plae
"Meet me in the Car Park" by C.U. Layter
"Missing Markings" by Adeline Quick
"No Goal" by Delia Brate/Andy Ball !!!
"Nutter" by Ed Case
"Over the Crossbar" by Amy B. Lowett
"Over the Line?" by Justin
"Penalty" by Shirley Knott?
"Rattling Coins" by Lucinda Pockett
"Referees’ Positioning" by Di Agonal
"Simulating Field Poetry" by Di Verse!!!
"Unmarked Attacker" by Hugo Mark
"Start of the Game" by Chuck Penny
"Team Sheets" by Alice Toffmen
"Tell um Off" by Chas Tate
"The American Ring" by Senator Sickle!
"The Red Mist" by Sven Dingov
"The Stretcher" by Carrie Mehoff
"World Cup Final 1998" by Frances Day
"You must be" Joe King
"Yellow Hammer" by Trevor Booking!
HAPPY READING!!!
 (Webmaster)
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